1. Michael Bay.
2. Michael Bay making a TMNT movie.
3. Michael Bay making a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie in which the protagonists are neither teenagers nor mutants.
3. Megan Fox.
4. Megan Fox playing April O’Neil.
5. MEGAN. MOTHERFUCKIN. FOX. portraying April O’Neil in a motion picture produced by Michael Bay, orchestrator of all things vile.
I don’t swear often, but I can think of no more appropriate time to release an expletive or two than the moment when you learn that your childhood is being jointly defiled by Michael Bay and Megan Fox.
That is all.
Here i sit on the pot
with another o’er my thighs
as I clutch it, I feel
bile starting to rise
but what’s this? something
wants to exit my butt
an explosive reaction
afoot in my gut
I can’t leave my throne
alas, I must tarry
brought to my knees
by some unknown fury
it could be the flu,
this illness i carry
or poisoning, lupus,
or (gasp!) dysentery
my nose in the bowl
as I heave one more time
i must say these curtains’
design is sublime
how long have i been
thinking that i might die
if this is the end
at least there’s wifi
which allows me to share
my tale of woe
in sickness or health
tumblr’s the place to go
and now that you’ve heard
my moribund sonnet
please do excuse me
I’m going to BLEAHAEHAHEHAHEHAKDHFADFH
so my family’s calendar came this year and it was great until the June photo, whereupon I was greeted by some random, giggling, toddler, who looked highly adorable and highly out of place in MY FAMILY’S PERSONAL CALENDAR. Half the calendar is of this random white baby, and it’s a good thing I looked through the calendar as soon as I got it, or I might not have realized something was wrong until summer. The funniest thing is that somewhere out there, there’s a little white baby with a calendar full of Asians. And I bet the baby’s all like: “watttt, I don’t remember ordering a calendar of supermodels”
Disclaimer: This list includes only the films that I have personally seen. Obviously, there are many excellent films that debuted in 2012 that I have yet to watch, and if you feel that any particular film has been unfairly excluded from this list, feel free to recommend it.
5. Safety Not Guaranteed - One of the few comedies that I actually liked this year, Safety Not Guaranteed left mecharmed by its oddball humor and engaging characters. No other training montage in history has made me smile more.
4. Prometheus - Upon first viewing Prometheus, I was filled with mixed emotions. Wonder, confusion, awe, amazement, horror; these all ran through my mind as the credits rolled. Prometheus is a heavily ambitious film, taking on huge, thought-provoking questions. I’ll admit it left me desiring a more explanatory ending, but there is too much to love about this riveting film for me to nitpick it.
3. The Avengers - As a comic book reader, I feel a hint of remorse for not listing this film #1. The fact that The Avengers comes in #3 is not a criticism of Joss Whedon’s groundbreaking and monumental achievement, but rather a testament to the quality of the two films listed above it. Undeniably, this star-studded epic is incredible in both ambition and achievement. Never before has a studio set up one massive blockbuster by first filming five separate films leading up to it. Marvel was able to throw fully formed characters together and let them battle it out in The Avengers, having first taken the time to meticulously world build, establishing characters and settings. The fight scenes are playful and explosive, with all your favorite Marvel superheroes battling seemingly all of your favorite Marvel superheroes. Almost as entertaining as the superheroes trading punches is the alter egos trading verbal barbs. Given the egos involved, it’s inevitable that there will be clashes of super-personalities, and indeed, my favorite parts of this film are Tony Stark poking fun at Captain America’s garish, “spangly” costume, Thor’s Shakespearean verbiage, Nick Fury’s eyepatch, and everything in between. Tom Hiddleston is sufficiently menacing in his role as villainous Loki, even if he is the most charming, pathetically insecure baddie to ever invade Earth. What this film lacks in realism, it makes up for with laughs, playfulness, (schwarma, anyone?) and good old fashioned entertainment value.
2. The Raid - Simply put, this is one of the best action films I’ve ever seen. Exhausting to watch and wince-worthy, this adrenaline rush of a film bears multiple viewings. Seriously, the first time I saw this film, it was without subtitles, and even without being able to understand a line of dialogue, I was blown away. Featuring a variety of brutal fighting styles, this film manages to maintain an endless wave of tension-filled fight scenes, without growing monotonous or losing any momentum. Pure. Unadulterated. Badassery.
1. Looper - As brilliant as science fiction films come, Rian Johnson’s Looper contains everything that I love about movies: a migraine-inducing plot, some superb action, excellent performances all-around, pathos, and of course, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, my favorite actor of all time and certified man crush. I think the thing that I love most about this film is that I’m still thinking and conversing about it with my sisters, days after our first viewing. What would have happened if so and so had done this instead, or why didn’t this action by future Joe (JGL) influence the further future Joe (Bruce)? Who was the real villain of this film, Brucie? JGL? The psycho little kid? Organized crime? Was there actually a villain? All of these questions, but there is yet another one demanding to be answered: why do we still care? It’s fiction, after all. I’ve come to conclude that it is because this film made us feel something, made us think, made us empathize with the characters. You see, this film matters to us. More than any other film this year, Looper mattered to me, and in the end, isn’t that the point of movies? To impact you in some way and alter the way you view life? Well, the great ones do, anyway. The great ones change you. They evoke real emotion. They transport us to different worlds, show us beauty, and lend a little perspective on our lives. Looper does us all that in spades.
From superheroes to sci-fi, from comedy to action, (and yes, in my mind, those are the only genres that exist.) it was a good year for movies. I’ll be looking forward to more in 2013. (possible post in the future?)
Of course there were plenty of other good films that didn’t make my top 5, but these all merit a viewing. Honorable mention: The Dark Knight Rises, The Grey, Chronicle, Moonrise Kingdom, 21 Jump Street, The Hunger Games and The Amazing Spider-Man.
Additionally, there are those that I haven’t yet seen, but may have made this list if I had: Argo, Skyfall, Silver Linings Playbook, Life of PI, Zero Dark Thirty, Django Unchained, Lincoln, and Les Miserables. Why do all the good films have to come out at the end of the year? Well, I know why, there just so happens to be a certain awards show in February, but it sure is inconvenient for people like me who want to make end of the year movie lists but are financially limited and/or hesitant to illegally download pirated films from sketchy sites.
Oh, and there was another masterpiece that I forgot to mention: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2. Absolutely loved that movie.
Merry Christmas, y’all. It really does feel like holidays get less exciting the older we get. I mean, it’s nice to not have school or anything, but I remember how hyped I used to get as a kid on Christmas Eve. It was the best night of my life, and I’d look forward to it for months. Now, it’s as if Christmas is just an excuse to hang out and eat and drink more than usual.
It is only as I look back on my years and years of life and realize that all of my petty accomplishments can be summarized on one page that I grow very, very depressed.
This is what I really want to write on it: